Published May 10, 2006
Sometimes I dream that
I can smell sea air again –
Can taste roses that
Melt like sugar in my mouth
And your kisses
Were never so salty those nights
Naturally, life’s hardly
All we rapture for
And even though love blossoms
From your stars
dribbling down to heaven,
I cannot seem to catch
Them on my tongue –
Searing, they tear through
And dissipate into
Tired, one in the morning tears
Have you heard or Paris,
Or is Equal all you can conjure?
It’s sour, not sweet, how I’m so alone
When you are so together
And so far away.
Liberate the stars tonight –
I’m going home.
Sorry, baby, this eloquent
horizon is beautiful, but passionless.
And I have fleeting thoughts,
but they are overused, overrun
with weary reincarnation.
I can’t seem to wake my
Dreams from their dreary slumber.
Give me another high to
Reimburse myself in
Or I’ll fade away tonight…
Sea-slipping over fake waves,
Into a horizon of nothingness
Which is waiting, eagerly,
to swallow me whole.
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I love the title ^^ And I love things like the stars dribbling, beautiful word choice. Nice juxtaposition between sea and sky.
There is nothing left to say but "good job!"
Like everyone else here, I loved this. The last stanza really did it for me. Such a pwerful ending, summing it all up and giving a total seal. It was brilliant, and I cannot find fault.
The imagery was wonderful, and this is one of the best poems I have ever read. Admitted, I don't read a lot of them, but this I really loved!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Lovely, gummy. I'd put full stops at the ends of stanzas one and two. I love;
"taste roses that
Melt like sugar in my mouth
And your kisses
Were never so salty those nights."
and
"dribbling down to heaven,
I cannot seem to catch
Them on my tongue –
Searing, they tear through
And dissipate into
Tired, one in the morning tears ."
I think that the third verse is a touch weak by comparison. I think that;
"It’s sour, not sweet, how I’m so alone" lacked your usual stunning imagery and weakend the verse as a whole.
The ending was lovely. You concluded perfectly. I agree about changing 'baby', as it's too colloquial for your style.
The flow was beautiful throughout.
A lovely poem. Hope this helps.
Jas
Oh wow, gummy, this is old! But it's still very pretty, nonetheless, per your usual standard. Title's cool too.
I wrote about two years ago.. I don't know how it came up, honestly! So I'm not going to edit it, but I agree the word "baby" is out of place, and appreciate your comments.
hmmm, I do like this, i think.
Is there an error here? :
is it supposed to be "of"?
I also agree about the "baby" line. It seems a bit out of place.
I really like the last stanza, it's very powerful as Matt says. Particularly "Sea-slipping over fake waves".
Good work. x
I really love the section about Paris and Equal. Perhaps I'm interpreting it wrong, but it makes me think that, instead of seeing the big word, all this person does is recognize the things around them.
Awesome imagery, even if I do have no idea of your real intentions.
Remember about punctuation, and what words would be correct for line breaks.
Other than that, great job. I really like it.
I love it, its captivating from the first line.
There's just two things I think could improve it, firstly the word dribbling. It sounds too like something falling out of someone's mouth, maybe trickling is a better word?
The second is the 'baby'. The rest of the poem is kinda old-world and Romantic, but I think that word's too modern.
Anyway I really really liked it
Very nice. Very pretty. Some of the punctuation confused the meaning, I think.
For example, that's not one sentence is it? I think you could do with a fullstop or at least a comma, and rethink your capitalisation.
That's beautiful.
"Baby" sounds out of place here to me, not sure it fits in with the tone of the rest of the poem. Would "darling" or something fit better?
Overall loved it, especially the subject..nice work.
Great work, yet again. I think the final stanza, being shorter than the rest, and sounding so final, really summed up the poem. Also the imagery, particularly at the beginning, with the sugar and the roses and the stars...it was beautiful. Loved it, as usual.